MAK-AIRS

Nothing will ever be the SAME Just Different

by: Jamie R. Saunders and Anneliese Stoever

The death of a family member or friend is something that many understand, but when a coworker dies, it is different.  My blog this month is dedicated to Mrs. Zora Ward (“Mrs. Z” as we affectionately called her).  She was a coworker who passed away on February 25, 2019. She worked in Information and Assistance for over 20 years. When the St. Louis Area Agency on Aging hired me in 2014, she trained me to be the best information and assistance specialist I could be.

We spend hours at work and, of course, with our co-workers. We eat lunch together, celebrate accomplishments, and talk about our families. In my opinion the worst workplace myth is, “I’m here to work not make friends.”  After spending so much time together, it’s virtually impossible not to develop a relationship with your colleagues.  It’s normal for working relationships to blossom into hanging out on your days off and sharing personal situations. We are only human.  That is why when a co-worker dies, the effect on co-workers is so difficult.  If your co- worker was anything like Mrs. Z, the grief to the entire office is significant.

Since your coworker is not an immediate family member, you really can’t ask for time off work to grieve. In most cases, you end up working extra hours and picking up responsibilities to fill in for the work that person did.  Mrs. Z was a valued colleague. She made everyone feel special.  As a result, everyone felt her loss when she passed.  We are realizing that nothing in our office will be the same, everything is just different. 

Here a few helpful hints on ways to cope with the loss of a coworker.

1.    Notify as many people as possible so that everyone is getting the same message: Our office decided to send out an e-mail.  Fortunately for me, I was out of the office that afternoon. I remember reading the email on my cell phone. I thought the tears would never stop flowing. Luckily, I was able to share my feeling with family, friends and collogues to process the loss.

2.    Recognize that people deal differently with grief:  We all process grief and loss differently.  For one person, it is telling stories about the person.  For another, it might be cleaning.  Typically in bereavement, going to work is a distraction.  But Mrs. Z’s cubicle was across from mine.  I was used to seeing her every single day and talking to her as I walked by.  After she passed, all I saw when I walked by her cubicle was the shawl she wore on the back of her chair.  Looking at her empty desk made my heart feel heavy. I decided to create a memory board with pictures and items from her desk that brought her joy.  It brought much comfort to me while I was packing up her personal belongings for her family.  We now have the Memory Board at her cubicle.  Colleagues often stop by and look at the board.  People have remarked that it brings them comfort. 

3.    Give everyone the opportunity to attend the services for the person:  although this is tax season, our busiest time of the year, we agreed that everyone should have the opportunity to attend the services.  Staff took turns—some people preferred to attend the wake so they went early and came back to cover the phones.  Others wanted to attend the service and we carpooled. Carpooling with my supervisor was great—we were able to support each other.  Although she knew her longer, we appreciated Mrs. Z’s kindness the same.  As a department, we collected funds and sent flowers.  Coworkers all had the chance to participate.   

4.    Do something to honor the person’s memory:  Mrs. Z loved to cook and she prepared food for all of the office parties. I plan on creating a memorial recipe book for the office.  She had several recipes at her desk and I want to share them with our staff.  It can be positive to have an office project—choose something that’s not too disruptive to the workday, but still gives everyone the opportunity to get involved. 

5.    Give people time to grieve and be kind with each other: Grief can cause you to be foggy-headed and distracted, which can impact productivity.  I can honestly say I had a bad case of foggy –head for weeks. When you’re in the profession of helping others cope, often we don’t help ourselves and self-care is necessary when grieving.  Try to be kind with each other.  If someone is short with an answer or forgets to turn in a report, give them a little more leeway than you might otherwise. Recognize that feelings of sadness and grief are normal.

6.    Know that there are professionals available to help:  if you notice that you are becoming tense, filled with anxiety, or irritable & that it is not going away, reach out to your Employee Assistance Program (EAP).  EAP has access to professional counselors that can dive deeper into the grief. 

7.    Expect that feelings of sadness might be triggered by office events:  the loss of a co-worker will always be in your thoughts, and could be triggered by agency events they participated in and enjoyed.  Mrs. Z’s last day working was Valentine’s Day (she went into the hospital that night).  Co-workers had brought in balloons and snacks & she loved the celebration.  When St. Patrick’s Day came around, it felt too soon to celebrate.  We ended up ordering pizza for a Co-Worker’s Goodbye party (normally she would have been leading the menu planning).  We are mourning her and are trying to keep in mind that these gatherings may be a difficult reminder to our coworkers that she is not here. 

I still think of Mrs. Z every day and I’m sure I’m not the only one. We are all searching for our “new normal”. There is no replacing Mrs. Z.  Nothing in our office will ever be the same, just different.

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.” – Victor Hugo