Nothing will ever be the SAME Just Different
by: Jamie R. Saunders and Anneliese Stoever
The
death of a family member or friend is something that many understand, but when
a coworker dies, it is different. My
blog this month is dedicated to Mrs. Zora Ward (“Mrs. Z” as we affectionately
called her). She was a coworker who
passed away on February 25, 2019. She worked in Information and Assistance for
over 20 years. When the St. Louis Area Agency on Aging hired me in 2014, she
trained me to be the best information and assistance specialist I could be.
We
spend hours at work and, of course, with our co-workers. We eat lunch together,
celebrate accomplishments, and talk about our families. In my opinion the worst
workplace myth is, “I’m here to work not make friends.” After spending so much time together, it’s
virtually impossible not to develop a relationship with your colleagues. It’s normal for working relationships to
blossom into hanging out on your days off and sharing personal situations. We
are only human. That is why when a
co-worker dies, the effect on co-workers is so difficult. If your co- worker was anything like Mrs. Z,
the grief to the entire office is significant.
Since
your coworker is not an immediate family member, you really can’t ask for time off
work to grieve. In most cases, you end up working extra hours and picking up
responsibilities to fill in for the work that person did. Mrs. Z was a valued colleague. She made
everyone feel special. As a result, everyone
felt her loss when she passed. We are
realizing that nothing in our office will be the same, everything is just
different.
Here a few helpful hints
on ways to cope with the loss of a coworker.
1.
Notify as many people as possible so that
everyone is getting the same message:
Our office decided to send out an e-mail.
Fortunately for me, I was out of the office that afternoon. I
remember reading the email on my cell phone. I thought the tears would never
stop flowing. Luckily, I was able to share my feeling with family, friends and
collogues to process the loss.
2.
Recognize that people deal differently with
grief: We all process grief and loss
differently. For one person, it is
telling stories about the person. For
another, it might be cleaning. Typically
in bereavement, going to work is a distraction.
But Mrs. Z’s cubicle was across
from mine. I was used to seeing her every
single day and talking to her as I walked by.
After she passed, all I saw when I walked by her cubicle was the shawl
she wore on the back of her chair. Looking at her empty desk made my heart feel heavy. I decided to
create a memory board with pictures and items from her desk that brought her
joy. It brought much comfort to me while
I was packing up her personal belongings for her family. We now have the Memory Board at her
cubicle. Colleagues often stop by and
look at the board. People have remarked
that it brings them comfort.
3.
Give everyone the opportunity to attend the
services for the person: although this is tax season, our busiest time
of the year, we agreed that everyone should have the opportunity to attend the
services. Staff took turns—some people
preferred to attend the wake so they went early and came back to cover the
phones. Others wanted to attend the
service and we carpooled. Carpooling with my supervisor was great—we were able
to support each other. Although she knew
her longer, we appreciated Mrs. Z’s kindness the same. As a department,
we collected funds and sent flowers. Coworkers
all had the chance to participate.
4.
Do something to honor the person’s memory: Mrs. Z loved to cook and she prepared food for all of the office
parties. I plan on creating a memorial recipe book for the office. She had several recipes at her desk and I
want to share them with our staff. It
can be positive to have an office project—choose something that’s not too
disruptive to the workday, but still gives everyone the opportunity to get
involved.
5.
Give people time to grieve and be kind with
each other: Grief can cause you to be foggy-headed and distracted, which can
impact productivity. I can honestly say
I had a bad case of foggy –head for weeks. When you’re in the profession of
helping others cope, often we don’t help ourselves and self-care is necessary
when grieving. Try to be kind with each
other. If someone is short with an
answer or forgets to turn in a report, give them a little more leeway than you
might otherwise. Recognize that feelings of sadness and grief are normal.
6.
Know that there are professionals available
to help: if you notice that you are becoming tense,
filled with anxiety, or irritable & that it is not going away, reach out to
your Employee Assistance Program (EAP).
EAP has access to professional counselors that can dive deeper into the
grief.
7.
Expect that feelings of sadness might be
triggered by office events: the loss of a co-worker will always be in your
thoughts, and could be triggered by agency events they participated in and
enjoyed. Mrs. Z’s last day working was
Valentine’s Day (she went into the hospital that night). Co-workers had brought in balloons and snacks
& she loved the celebration. When
St. Patrick’s Day came around, it felt too soon to celebrate. We ended up ordering pizza for a Co-Worker’s
Goodbye party (normally she would have been leading the menu planning). We are mourning her and are trying to keep in
mind that these gatherings may be a difficult reminder to our coworkers that
she is not here.
I still think of Mrs. Z every day and I’m sure I’m not the
only one. We are all searching for our “new normal”. There is no replacing Mrs.
Z. Nothing in our office will ever be
the same, just different.
“Have
courage for the great sorrows of life and
patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in
peace. God is awake.” – Victor Hugo
